


Drunk History: Thedas Edition

by dramaticbanjo



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Intoxication, everyone is absolutely sloshed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4045189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramaticbanjo/pseuds/dramaticbanjo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varric Tethras, renowned author and traveling companion, has come up with an inventive new way to get another perspective on the history and events of some of Thedas' most recent happenings.<br/>By interviewing the people directly involved...and while both of them are completely drunk.<br/>Yes, its Drunk History: Thedas Edition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bethany Hawke

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in between Act II and Act III, for simplicity's sake, and Bethany became a Grey Warden.  
> Also, Hawke's Mabari's name is Butterscotch.

“What’s this again?” It was remarkable Bethany was even still sitting up straight, and Varric snorted into his own tankard, “Hanged Man special.”

           “Oh, good. Rat piss. Tastes almost as bad as the Joining Ritual.” She took another drink, and made a face, “…Worse.” Before breaking out in giggles, “Okay—okay! Okay, how, uh, should I start…?”

           “Relax, sunshine, just start from the beginning.”

           “Like…” Bethany made a face, and set her tankard down. Seeing it was almost empty, Varric reached over and refilled it to the brim, “…like, _beginning_ beginning, or, like…like, Blight beginning.”

           “Let’s start at the Blight, and the flight from Lothering.”

She laughed again, starting to brush hair out of her face, and missing, “Ha! You rhymed! Flight… _flight_ …heh.” Taking another drink, and managing to successfully get her hair out of her eyes, she let out a small burp before starting.

           “So…so, like, the Blight had started and there were Darkspawn… _everywhere_.” She drew out the last word, making sure Varric nodded before continuing, “And they were, like, heading to Lothering! And that’s…that’s where we live—heh, lived, ‘cause now…now we live in Hightown.”

           “We are also now drinking in Hightown.”

           “Yes…” She extended the sound of the ‘s’ until she had to pause for a breath, and took another drink, “Okay, so we, like, totally booked it—me, Garrett, and Carter, and Mother, we were like—running. Running and fighting and running and…Darkspawn.”

           “Lots of running and fighting.”

           “Yeah—yeah, lots of running. And then…and then we got near the border to the…the Wilds in th’ South…like, the Kocari wilds. With Ostagar and stuff. And witches.” Varric waited patiently while she took another drink, “C-carver would tell me they’d eat me…heh. But so we’re running and then! We run into Av…Aveline.” She tripped over her friend’s name for a moment, before getting it right and nodding to herself, “She an’…and her husband—her first husband! Fighting Darkspawn, and one slashes her husband ‘n the back and she’s goes like—Pow!” To demonstrate, Bethany jumped from her chair, throwing a right hook in the air and managing to spill her drink across the rug of the Hawke estate.

           “Oops.”

           “Don’t worry about it, sunshine, go on. You met Aveline.”

           “And she just says… says like, no! Or something impressive. And punches Darkspawn like…like punching Darkspawn. Pow again! And we agree to escape t’gether…even though...though her husband was a…was a Templar, yeah…and I’m a mage. It was like—like really tense for a second.” Bethany staggered for a moment, before slowly descending to the floor, lying down on her side, “The rug…is really comfy. Heh, it’s actually kind of funny to be looking _up_ at you, Varric.” Snorting to herself, she sighed, “And then, a _dragon_ rescued us…and brother wanted…wanted to turn into a dragon. Does he still want t’ do that? I think he does.”

           “Yeah, your brother is a little weird.”

           “But I still love him. So, the ogre had killed Carver…an’ Flemeth, she was th’ dragon, but she was also a witch, and I don’t know which,” She giggled, “ _Which_ she was first. But she was like, ‘I can get you to the place where you can, you can get on a boat…I can get you to the place for that. For boats.’ Because we needed to sail to Kirkwall.” With a little wiggling of her arms, Bethany rolled onto her back, “So brother was like ‘okay, deal.’ But Wes…Wes…Wesssssley, Aveline’s husband fell over because he had, like, the Taint. From like, the Darkspawn. So he couldn’t come with us.”

           “Yeah, I heard about that, sunshine.”

           “I felt _so_ bad for Aveline! But Flemeth said like. There was no help for him. We didn’t know Anders, so we couldn’t go to…go to the Grey Wardens so…so…” She rolled over again, before trying to pull herself up, “…Can you pass me—pass me my drink?” He waited another moment as she got herself righted enough that she would drink without spilling it, and handed it over. “Here you go, sunshine.”

    “So when we get to Kirkwall, because the boat ride was long, like, super long, and brother hadn’t shaved his beard, but we dock and like, like the guards aren’t letting people in? So brother goes to talk to the head guard captain guy all like, ‘hey, we have like an uncle in the city and I’m all like ruggedly handsome so why don’t you let us in?’” She took another drink, leaning against her former chair for support, “And some guys were like, ‘that’s not cool, we’ve been here...like a long time. Long time. You should be cool and let us in too.’ And the guard guy was all like ‘no, i can’t.’ And the other guys are like ‘fine, be that way.’ And attacked. But since we helped them all...fight them off, the guy was like, ‘I’ll find your uncle.’”

Another drink.

    “But it turns--it turned out, Gamlen had sold the estate! So we...me, brother, and Aveline, had to work for some...some criminals to get in. Yeah.” Pausing, she tipped the tankard back to drink the last few swallows of alcohol, “Yeah. And then...and then we met you! While we were trying to get on Bart...tran...and’s eh...eh...expidi...dition.” She had to sound the word out slowly to get it right, “So you know that part.”

    “I sure do, sunshine. One of the best decisions of my life.”

    “Heh heh, mine too...you’re my favorite dwarf, you know that? My favorite.” She set her now empty tankard down next to her, “So then...we got money! And maps from Anders...we also got cleared the estate out of slavers...and ‘Sabela didn’ have any pants on!”

    “She still doesn’t, sunshine.”

    “Crazy….so, like, yeah, Deep Roads. Yay, whoo-hoo!” She attempted to raise her hand, but only managed to hit her knuckles against the chair, “Aw...so, it was like brother, me, you, an’ Anders, ‘cause like, me an’ brother had to be there, and you had to be there, and Anders knew about healing...healing and that glowy...glowy thing he does. With the spirit. Like… _woosh._ Glow.”

    “Need more drink, sunshine?”

    “I’m...I’m good. Yeah. Deep Roads! Spiders! Like...huge spiders! Why are they so giant?” She shuddered, “So we were going along, and like, the path is blocked with rocks, we have to go around it, and there’s more...more Darkspawn, and we have to find Sandal…” She held up her tankard for a refill, “But then! When we got around it! Bar….rrrrrrtrand went evil and locked us in with...creepy Lyrium...like red.”

    “Yep, I remember that _too_ well.”

    “And there was...evil ghost rocks things and a demon. Heh, we beat the demon too.” She watched him pour more alcohol into her cup, and then took another drink, “So we got out with...treasure, but I caught...I caught the Taint right when we got back, back where we were. Before. And Anders--Anders was like, ‘Hawke. I know a way to save Bethany. We find Grey Wardens...who are here. Yeah.’ And there’s Stroud...with his mustache.” She started giggling, “Mustache...its like, like a caterpillar took a break there.” Even though she kept giggling, Bethany managed to take another drink, “And I went...and became a Grey War….warden. Yeah. Yeah…” Slowly, she started to sink down, letting Varric take her drink away, “This floor is _really_ comfortable. I think I’m going to sleep now. Yes. Yeah.” Varric raised his eyebrows from his place sitting above her, “Sunshine?”

A light snore was his only answer.


	2. Aveline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aveline's introduction to the show. Features an appearance by Butterscotch, the Mabari War Hound, who loves kisses.

 

It had been several drinks into the Hanged Man special, and two bottles of wine supplied from the Hawke estate’s own basement for Aveline to start talking more beyond her own terse comments, and the only sign that she had drank so much was the flush starting to creep across her face. Varric raised his eyebrows, “You okay, Aveline?”

    “Perfectly fine.” She answered, taking another drink, “So, what did you want to ask me?”

    “Well...let’s start with you becoming guard captain...and, you know, getting married again. All the fun stuff.” He smirked and she groaned, rolling her eyes, “All of you never tire of hearing about how much of a fool I acted like.”

    “It only endears you to us!”

    “I’m sure.” Her tone was icy, but it only made him laugh, “Take my word for it. Now, where do you want to start?” Aveline rolled her eyes again, drumming her fingers against her cup, “Since you’re so eager to hear about it, I might as well start when I asked Hawke to do a...small...task for me.”

    “Oh yeah, your copper marigolds. I still don’t understand how you expected Donnic or Hawke to get it. And talking about it with Rivaini there? Really.” She snorted, frowning into her drink, “Well. I suppose I did ask for it…” Another long drink and she sighed, “Okay, so I asked Hawke to get Donnic alone at the Hanged Man but I lost my nerve and backed out. And then Isabela and Hawke ganged up on me so I would set up a patrol along with him on the Wounded Coast, and Hawke more or less…” She shrugged, “...Brought the matter to a head.”

    “Well, it worked out well, didn’t it?” Varric said with a laugh, “Going strong with Donnic. Popular as Guard-Captain…” He looked at the almost empty bottle of wine on the table, and then at Aveline, “...Wait, how much did you drink?”

    “A lot.”

    “You...don’t seem drunk.”

She raised her eyebrows at him, and he mirrored it. “You don’t! You’re a lot more coordinated than sunshine, that’s for sure.” At that, Aveline did laugh, and finished her drink, “Yes, well, I’ve had a good handle on myself.”

At that point, two things happened at the same time right in front of Varric: one, Aveline attempted to stand up, and two, Butterscotch, Hawke’s massive and disarmingly named Mabari, came running into the room. Aveline managed to stand for a full second, before she tumbled down to the ground, and was almost immediately pounced on by Butterscotch.

    “On second thought,” Varric said, watching Aveline burst into uproarious laughter as she tried to hold the dog, “You’re even drunker than sunshine.” He watched for another moment, “Okay, this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. You alright, Aveline?”

His only answer was another hoot of laughter as Butterscotch tried to lick her face. He gave her a thumbs up, “Alright, good to know.”


	3. Merrill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Butterscotch the Mabari is going to become a staple.   
> And like all big dogs, he doesn't quite realize he's probably too big for people's laps.

 

           It took another two cups after all she had drank for Merrill to stop giggling. After she had finished the second, she clapped her hands, still sitting primly on her chair, “So Varric, what do you want me t’ talk about?”

           “Just meeting Hawke, adventures together, that sort of thing. Its like a new version of the Tale of the Champion.” He held up a hand, “And, daisy, before you start, I just want to ask--how drunk are you?” She considered the question, swirling her drink lazily as she thought, “Like ten--eleven--wait, what’s the scale?”

    “Let’s say one to ten, and ten is drunk as a dwarf.”

    “Then I’m like...like a ten...drunk as a dwarf.” She giggled, “I’m like you! But not as good of a chest...or so short… but we both don’t have a beard!” Breaking off into more giggles, Varric let her calm down and take a drink before prompting her, “Okay, so Hawke and his family escaped the Blight with Flemeth’s help, and in exchange she…”

    “Asha...ash….shhh….aaaaaah...Bellinar!” Merrill nodded to herself when she managed to finish the name, “Yeah, she wanted Hawke to take her am...amulet up to Mar...Mar...Marith...ar...ari...ari. And then they had to take it up Sunder...under...mount. With me. So yay!” Merrill took another drink, and then burped, “Whoops!”

    “No worries, daisy, in dwarf culture, that’s good manners.” He held out the pitcher to her, “Refill?”

    “Yes! Yes, please! Okay so...Ashh….shh...ah...bell...in...something...something, like, was in the amulet so, we like, brought her back. It was like...by th’ Creators its the Witch of the Wilds...yay!” She frowned, “Varric, is the floor getting closer?”

    “Uh, daisy, you’re falling out of your seat.”

    “Oh...but the floor looks so comfy...Hawke really have great taste in rugs...oh! Where’s Butters? Butt--heh--Butters!” Varric quickly got out of seat to catch her drink so it didn’t spill, while Butterscotch, Hawke’s Mabari, came barreling in at the sound of his name, and tried to lick Merrill’s face.

    “You good, daisy? You just lost a battle against gravity there.”

    “I’m fine...fine...oh, no, Butters! I don’t want kisses!” He let her get settled with the massive Mabari halfway on her lap, and then took a seat next to her, and handed her drink back.

    “Okay...okay, Varric, where was I…? No!” She held up a finger and poked his nose, “Don’t...don’t tell me. I got this. I got this. And Flemeth is like, ‘our deal is done’ and Mar..Mar...Keeper is like, ‘yeah, you have to take Merrill back to the alie...alien...place. Place with city elves’. Hello, Butters, hello, who’s the cutest Mabari in Hightown? You are! You are!” Butterscotch barked in agreement, and tried to lick her face again.

    “So like...I lived in the place. With other elves! And it was like, all like, dirty, and the water is weird...and someone got mugged. So I’m living there, and Hawke’s like ‘hey, do you want to help me, like get money so my family like...like doesn’t have to live in Lowtown?’ and I’m like ‘sure, Hawke, you’re my best friend...besides you, Butters! You’re my bestest dog friend!’” Butterscotch barked again, and tried to take a drink of her alcohol, “No, Butters! So, like, we do that, and Bethany becomes like...like a Grey Warden, and we don’t see her for a while…” Varric nodded while she noisily took a drink, “Listen, daisy, you don’t have to keep drinking if you’re already drunk.”

    “No, I...I’m going to keep drinking. And like, three years pass like...woosh. Years past. And I find an Elu...lu...luluvi..vian. Mirror. Elf mirror. And I’m trying to fix it, but everyone is like...no way, Merrill, you’re, like...demons. Demony things.” She stopped, her eyes growing wide, and Varric opened his mouth to ask her if she was alright when she let out a sharp burp, surprising the Mabari on her lap. “I’m sorry I burped--but not really, heh...heh...And like, I’m like, ‘Hawke, can you help me get this...Ar...arrrrrrr….ooo….lin….holm. Tool from Mar...Keeper. My clan, it’ll help me like, fix up this mirror’ and Hawke was like, ‘sure thing, Merrill’ but Mar--Keeper was like, ‘no Merrill, you’re putting everyone in danger’...” She suddenly frowned, “...Isabela hasn’t been wearing pants for all this time...isn’t she cold?”

    “That...is something to ask Rivaini yourself, daisy.”

    “Right...right. We had to kill this monster thing so I could get the tool-thing. And it’s...legs. Why does it have so many legs?” She leaned forward so she was using Butterscotch’s bulk as a pillow, “You’re so comfy, Butters…so stuff...sad stuff happened...but I did get it, but sad stuff happened.”

    “You don’t have to remember that stuff, daisy, I know it was hard on you.”

    “Mm, thank you, Varric...say, do you know why Qunari were shirtless all the time?”

    “Maybe something to do with their horns?” Varric offered while also smoothly taking her drink out of her limp grip so it wouldn’t fall to the ground, “Something like that, I bet. Maybe the Qun doesn’t allow shirts.”

    “Mmhm, it was nice.”

    “Nice?”

    “Yeah, they were like...scary, but also like...phwar. Grey. And nice.” Merrill giggled, burying her face into Butterscotch’s fur, “You’re so soft, Butters. Do I have to talk more, Varric?”

    “Not if you don’t want to, daisy. Besides, I think you’ve had enough.”

    “Okay…” She shifted under Butters, “Varric? Can you walk me home?”

    “Of course, daisy.”


End file.
